


Waiting For Someone

by catsplosion



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Eventual Fluff, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-10-08 23:30:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17395784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catsplosion/pseuds/catsplosion
Summary: Whatever Vicci Ryder came to Andromeda for, her plans were derailed when her father died and made her Pathfinder.Her plans are about to be derailed again.





	1. Dammit

A human approached her - a good-looking one. Vicci had assumed that Shena was Angaran, but what if -

“You look like you’re waiting for someone.”

_ Oh shit,  _ Vicci thought as something in her twinged. This, she did not expect. She took the offered drink just to slow her heartbeat, but the more he talked, the less effective it became.  _ Did he have to be so sexy? _

The good news was, he had information, which he quickly laid out for her. The bad news was the information itself: that Evfra wanted Vehn Terev in the hands of the Resistance, but Sloane Kelly wanted to execute him. And Sloane had the upper hand. Who did the Initiative need more? Hopefully Evfra, because Sloane sounded like an asshole.

Reyes had a smooth, easy way about him that told her she should run as far as she could, as fast as she could, but she was stuck in this. And he stood so damned close to her. 

She was in trouble.

When he said “We’re gonna be friends, you and I,” she felt a shiver run through her.  _ Friends, indeed. _

“You work on Sloane,” he instructed, finally breaking the shoulder-to-shoulder contact. “I’ll talk to the Resistance.” And he began to walk away.

“How do I contact you if things go south?” Vicci called after him.

He turned and - unbelievably - winked at her.

_ Dammit,  _ she thought, heading for the exit.

“Hey!” The bartender startled her out of her thoughts. “You gotta pay.”

She growled, realizing “Shena” had left her with the bar tab - certainly not on accident. She transmitted the credits and told the bartender to keep the change. Vicci had bigger problems.

She was going to fall for Reyes. 

 

Vicci shared what she’d learned with Liam and Vetra. “So I guess our next step is to try to get an audience with Sloane Kelly.”

“Can’t be that hard. Best case, she wants to talk to you as bad as you want to talk to her. Worst case, she wants to kill you herself. Either way I’m sure you’ll be seeing her soon.”

She shook her head. “Liam, I love your positivity.”

 

Liam hadn’t been wrong, though. It wasn’t hard to get in to see Sloane. It was, however, largely useless.  _ And whose fault is that? _

It was true, she had played it poorly. Sloane on her throne. Vicci should have played up to her self-importance, showed her the deference she obviously expected.  _ I can’t be a shitty Pathfinder. I’m the only one we’ve got. _ For the millionth time, she wondered what her father was thinking.

“Have a nice chat?” 

Vicci, torn from her thoughts, looked up to find Reyes eying her curiously.

Damn, but she wanted him. “I don’t think she likes me much.”

When he laughed, it didn’t feel like I was laughing at her. “Don’t worry, I found a workaround.”

Relief flooded her, but she refused to show it. “Let me guess - it comes with strings attached.” She suspected most things with Reyes did. 

“Not any new ones.” Sneak into the holding, break Terev out, the Resistance takes him from there. More complicated than she liked, although not unexpected. 

“His intel better be worth it,” she grumbled.

“That’s for you to judge,” he said, and gave her access codes to a nearby maintenance shaft. “That’ll get you inside. You should be able to handle the rest.” 

_ This man is a valuable asset to the Initiative,  _ she tried to tell herself, but he also had those incredible green eyes and Maker, she was only a woman. “There’s still the matter of the bill you left me with.”

“I’m usually a model gentleman,” he assured her, and 

She laughed. “I don’t believe you.”

“That’s because I’m lying.” She couldn’t figure him out and she wished she didn’t so desperately want to. “When you’re done, come to Tartarus. First round’s on me. I promise,” he added in a voice that said  _ don’t believe me  _ and that damnable smirk that was just begging to be kissed.

_ Dammit, _ she thought again.

 

At least the plan worked, and traitor or not, Terev’s intel  _ was _ worth it. She took Liam and Vetra with her to Tartarus - they deserved to celebrate as much as she did. 

“This place is...wow,” Vetra said, looking around.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Liam agreed, “I’ve been in some shit bars, but this is a really shit bar.”

“Now we know why Kadara’s upper crust frequents Kralla’s Song,” she smirked, climbing the stairs. “I hate to sound cheap, but can we go easy on the drinks? Pathfinder isn’t the most lucrative gig, believe it or not.”

“I thought Reyes was buying the first round?” 

“I’ve thought that before, too, Liam,” she sighed. “It’s a trap.”

Vetra made a noise. Vicci looked at her. She shrugged.

The important thing, though, was keeping her shit together. She didn’t come here to flirt. She was the Pathfinder. This was business.

To Vicci’s surprise, the drinks were already on the table when she got to Reyes’ private room. He responded to her look of impress with another of his damn winks. 

She sat a safe distance away from him and tried to keep the conversation more towards Kadara. Intel. Useful intel. That was the job.

He seemed to do the same, asking her about the Initiative and, to her dismay, her role as Pathfinder. She pretended she didn’t mind talking about it.

Reyes kept things very casual. Had she misinterpreted him before?  _ Good,  _ she tried to tell herself.  _ This relationship should be purely professional. _ Disappointment swirled inside her, along with embarrassment. He was doing a better job than she was.

Never one to leave well enough alone, Vicci steered the conversation sideways. “What about your nickname, ‘Shena’?” 

He looked just embarrassed enough that she felt bad. “It’s the Angaran word for...mouth.” He cleared his throat. “I’m good with words.”

“Among other things?”  _ Behave yourself,  _ she scolded. 

He fixed her with those gorgeous eyes. “I never had a complaint.” He had her gaze and he refused to release it.

Heat flooded her. She had to get out of here, while she still could. 

She stood. “I better get going.” She saw Liam and Vetra exchange a look before they joined her.

“Ryder.” Her name on his lips gave her chills.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but...you’re not really liked here. In Kadara Port.”

It was Vicci’s turn to be embarrassed. “Ouch.”

“What I’m saying is - you need a friend. Somebody on the inside, to help you out. I can be that guy. You need intel on Sloane, the Exiles, whatever -” he gave her a heavy look “- come to me.”

She couldn’t process this on the fly, and she knew she couldn’t blame the booze. All she knew to do was leave. “Thanks...I think.”

 

That night, she couldn’t sleep. She just kept thinking about how weird the whole night was, replaying their every interaction in her head. She felt like a child picking petals off a daisy.  _ He loves me, he loves me not.  _

“SAM?”

It took a moment for SAM to respond. “Pathfinder. You want to ask me about your interactions with Reyes Vidal.”

Did SAM have a  _ tone _ ? 

“I would ask that you do not. Your...love life is not within my purview. Also, as I understand human emotion, if I gave you any insight, that would be cheating.”

Vicci chuckled. SAM had her there.

There were two things she knew for sure. One: she would see Reyes again.

And two: she couldn’t wait.

  
  
  
  



	2. Complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Could Vicci be any more conflicted? Of course she could.

In no time, Reyes was asking Vicci for help.

It gnawed at her, which in turn made her angry with herself. Hadn't he helped her? First with Vehn Terev, then with solving the murders in the Port? Why was this different?

_ Because. Because this isn't for the Initiative, or for Kadara, this is smuggling and thievery. _

Which, while true, was a lie. She didn't care about that, even though she should. She was the damned Pathfinder. She had shit to do. Shit that didn’t involve smuggling or other crimes. Yet here she was, in a seedy bar, agreeing to help a smuggler retrieve stolen property. But what was actually on her mind?

_ He loves me, he loves me not.  _

Vicci wanted to believe in what she felt between them, but he was so suave, it was impossible to know how much of his flirting was genuine and how much was just… bullshitting. And now this.

_ Is he just using me? Has that been his plan all along, to make me an asset? _

What, the same way she had intended to make him an asset?

_ That was before. _

Before what? Before she forgot who she was supposed to be and got caught up in her feelings?

_ Dammit. _

“Ryder?”

She shook her head and looked at Reyes. 

“Everything okay, Ryder?”

Seeing the look of genuine concern on his face, the clouds passed as quickly as they had come. She grinned, finished her beer, and left the bottle on the table. “You’re worried about me?” 

His concern became frustration that was quickly hidden behind his usual look. “Just don’t want you getting cold feet on me.”

This time  _ she _ winked at  _ him.  _ “Don’t worry,” she said on her way out. “You’ll see me soon.”

 

“Ex? As in girlfriend?” Vicci’s stomach knotted.  _ One too many complications for me. _ But she stayed nonetheless. She felt like she was under a spell, enchanted by his smile, his voice, those damned green eyes. For good or ill, she knew she’d see this through.

“Girlfriend is such a strong word! We had drinks occasionally.”

She would have laughed if she wasn’t so anxious.  _ Then what does that make me? _

He assured her that this was about the job, not the woman. He was so easy to trust that she was probably a fool to trust him. It didn’t matter. 

 

Zia Cordier was beautiful in that overrated way that Vicci found boring.  _ A step up, that’s what it makes me.  _ She felt petty.

“That’s why you don’t have any friends. You’re selfish.”

As usual, her mouth fired off long before her brain even joined the fray. “Reyes is a better man than you think.” 

“Oh honey, you’ve no idea how wrong you are. But you will.”

Reyes’ voice took on a tone she had never heard before. “Leave her out of this.”

Her heart swelled. 

Zia laughed. “You must really like this one, Reyes.”

Pondering that held Vicci’s interest more than what came next. How much stock could she put in the words of a vengeful ex?

_ None of it means anything. It’s all just bullshit. _

Nonetheless, she couldn’t let go of the idea that the scales were tipping in her favor.

_ He loves me not...he loves me.  _

And then it was over. It felt weird. It  _ was _ weird. Too personal. 

She was worried about Reyes, and she said so. This wasn’t a personal grudge, and that scared her. Of course, he deflected. She supposed she deserved that. 

He seemed okay, so there was nothing to do but make an awkward departure from this awkward situation.

 

Back on the ship, she took a long shower, trying to wash away… everything. 

She knew her showers were a luxury - someone always noticed when she was going to take one, and somehow the word always spread so that there were no interruptions, save the occasional toilet trip that probably couldn’t be helped. She appreciated her crew. They were good people, and they had her back.

And she was thanking them by taking them into firefights that didn’t concern them. They had signed on to help her make Andromeda their home, not defend her criminal boyfriend from his criminal ex-girlfriend.

_ He’s not my boyfriend. _

Lying in bed later, she kept hearing Zia Cordier’s voice. “You’ve no idea how wrong you are. But you will.”

Vicci tended not to listen to people who tried to kill her. And yet…

“You must really like this one.”

He did, didn’t he? The way he looked at her, the way he talked to her…

_ The way his voice lowers when he’s really putting the moves on me.  _

Yes, that. It turned her on like crazy, sent butterflies reeling through her belly. More every time. It didn’t feel like bullshit.

_ It feels real.  _

The problem is, it shouldn’t feel like anything at all. Reyes Vidal had inside information on Kadara. He was of value to the Initiative. She had an obligation to leave it at that. So why couldn’t she?

Why couldn’t she get her shit straight and start acting like the fucking Pathfinder?

 

The next day, Vicci made her usual rounds, chatting up the crew, trying to get a sense for where everyone was at. She may not have Lexi’s background, but she trusted herself to pick up on signs of a problem. And to be honest, she was probably doing it out of guilt.

“Ryder!” Gil greeted her enthusiastically as she entered the engine room. “I’ve been hoping you’d stop by.”

She joined him where he stood, leaning against the railing. “Why does that make me nervous?” she grinned.

“Can’t imagine. It’s not as if  _ I’d _ ever be up to no good.” He held up his hands to demonstrate his innocence. 

Like a parent, Vicci knew she  _ shouldn’t  _ have a favorite, but she couldn’t help it.

“Seriously, though. Due to your consistent failure to show up for poker night, you’re a frequent topic of conversation.”

Now  _ that _ made her nervous. “That sounds bad.”

“Not for me, it’s not! It’s how I find out what you’re up to out there.”

Still, her stomach churned.

“Look… you should know that everyone trusts you. No one’s bitching about your leadership capabilities, no one’s questioning your calls. You’re kind of crushing this Pathfinder gig, as far as we’re all concerned.”

Her cheeks turned very pink. She didn’t know what to say. “I… thanks for that, Gil. I mean it.”

He dismissed her thanks with a wave of his hand. “That’s not really what I wanted to talk about. I’m more interested in the gripping will-they-or-won’t-they saga of you and a certain Resistance contact on Kadara.”

Her skin was on fire under his scrutiny, her face likely as crimson as her scarf. “I don’t -”

He shook his head. “Let me ask you something. Why did you come to Andromeda? What were you looking for?”

She considered this and laughed. “Adventure.”  _ Objective fulfilled,  _ she thought wryly.

“And did you picture yourself sharing that adventure with someone?”

“I… yeah,” she admitted. “I did.” Reyes’s grin, never far from her mind anyhow, rose to the surface.

“You can’t  _ lose _ that, Ryder. You can’t let who you are be crushed under the weight of your responsibilities. Duty can only take you so far. At some point you have to be  _ living _ for something, too.” He looked at her intently. 

She kind of wished he wouldn’t.

Then his characteristic smirk made a brief but noticeable appearance. “So if what you want is the smooth-talking bad boy of Kadara Port, fucking  _ go _ for it!”

She laughed in spite of the maelstrom of emotion in her. “You’re a good man, Gil Brodie.”

“Yeah, or I took three-to-one odds against ‘they will’ and I’m trying to cheat the system.” She was happy to see the smirk back full-force.

“Why are the odds favoring ‘they won’t’?

“Honestly? Probably because you’re taking too long.”

“Yeah, well.” She headed for the door, grinning. “Everybody loves an underdog story, right?”

“That’s the spirit!”

She felt… different. “Better” felt like an understatement.

_ These are my people. Fuck what anyone else thinks. _

  
  
  
  
  



	3. Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vicci's getting there.

To be perfectly unprofessional, fuck the entire planet of Voeld.

_ I might never get warm. _

What she wouldn’t give right now for a big, crackling fire.

Wrapped in a blanket, she sat down at her desk and opened a new email. They were on their way to the Nexus, but she couldn’t talk openly to Scott there, not with half a dozen people in the med bay.

“Little brother, remember the big bonfires we used to build in the backyard? We’d burn leaves in the fall just for the smell, drink cider, actually  _ talk _ for a change? I could really use that right now. I miss you. I  _ need _ you. This Pathfinder shit is hard. I don’t know what Dad was thinking, passing it to me. He was so chill, you know? Never let his feelings come before his job. Never let _ us _ come before his job, that’s for sure.”

She sat back in her chair, considering this.

“Do you” - and she deleted it.

Fingers poised over the keys, her mind churning.

_ Do you ever remember seeing him happy? _

“Maybe he was wrong.”

She clicked SEND.

With a deep, almost shaky breath, she stood up and paced around her Pathfinder’s Quarters, wishing for something to hit, or throw, anything to help get out some of the tension.

When SAM hailed her, she almost shrieked.

“Pathfinder, there is a vidcall for you.”

_ Hallelujah, a distraction. _

She headed for the door. “Who is it?”

“Reyes Vidal.”

She froze, then shook it off.

 

“Ryder! I’ve been thinking about you.”

_ Dad was wrong,  _ she thought.  _ Gil’s right. _ “I’d love to hear more, but this isn’t a private channel.”

“I could tell you over drinks. Sloane’s holding a get-together for the locals, and I managed to snag an invite. Care to be my plus one?”

_ See? That even benefits the Initiative. _

“Sloane doesn’t seem like the party type.” Let him work for it.

“She sees it as a necessary evil. Remember? A woman of the people.”

_ What kind of woman am I? _

“Are you asking me out, Reyes Vidal?”

“I promise to be a perfect gentleman,” he assured her solemnly.

Vicci put her hands on the desk to lean closer to the mic. “And if I don’t want you to be a gentleman?”

He lowered his voice in that way that made her tremble inside. “That can be arranged.”

_ This isn’t a private channel, remember? _

“I never say no to free drinks.”

“Especially from Sloane’s private reserve. I’ll meet you outside her HQ.”

Grinning like a fool, she paged Kallo. “Change of plans, Kallo. We need to head to Kadara.”

“Everything okay, Ryder?”

“As much as ever. Sloane Kelly’s throwing a party, and I’m gonna crash it.”

“Sounds fun! Changing course now.”

_ I’m making an unplanned trip halfway across the galaxy to see a man. _

Some Pathfinder she had turned out to be.

_ No. NO. I’m not my father. _

_ I don’t have to be my father. _

 

She showed up in her usual outfit, but with the addition of her favorite perfume.

Okay, and a pair of black panties that weren’t exactly utilitarian, unless the utility was getting lucky.

_ You never know. _

She argued with the doorman until Reyes arrived, placed one hand on Vicci’s back, and identified himself. “She’s with me.”

The heat from his hand made her tingle, as did his words. As they entered, he removed his hand, to her mingled dismay and relief. She could at least think a little clearer.

He introduced her to Keema Dohrgun, an Angaran woman who informed her that Vicci was all Reyes talked about lately.

They both blushed, before Reyes excused himself to “take care of something,” encouraging her to mingle with the other guests. Sloane was not happy to see her -  _ and who cares - _ but the Turian that served as Sloane’s second was more polite.

No one had seen Reyes, and she was starting to feel awkward, on her own in this room full of strangers. She ducked out to look for him, and she found him - rummaging through boxes in a storeroom, muttering about serial numbers.

_ Dammit! _

She felt angry and embarrassed and hurt all at once. “‘Take the night off. Come out for a drink.’” He jumped at the sound of her voice. “I should have known you were up to something.”

“Ryder, it’s not what it looks like,” he assured her, taking a step back.

_ That’s exactly what every asshole says when they get caught being an asshole. _

“Oh, so you didn’t use me as a distraction to go through Sloane’s stuff?”

“Okay, yes. But it’s for both our benefit. I promise!”

She was so sick of hearing that. “You’ve been making a lot of promises lately.”

Reyes looked her in the eyes, visibly troubled, and Vicci felt herself softening. Then his eyes widened. “Shit, someone’s coming! We need a distraction!”

_ Oh, what the hell. _

She kissed him. It was awkward for a second, then Reyes cupped her face in his hand and kissed her in earnest, sighing against her mouth as he pulled her closer. Something within her was going supernova, the result of too much pent up will-they-or-won’t-they energy, and she was losing her mind, clinging to him too tightly, kissing him too deeply, and she needed to get a grip.

Thankfully, Reyes broke the kiss, looking over his shoulder. He looked back at her and it pleased her to notice that he was shaken as well. His eyes searched hers. “I think we’re in the clear.”

_ Not remotely. _

“Maybe another kiss? Just to be sure?”

He chuckled, still holding her. “Now you’re just teasing me.”

_ Try me and I’ll have you right here in this storeroom. _

She laughed shakily as he moved away.

He jumped up on a nearby box, giving her a view she could appreciate, and a moment later raised a bottle in victory. “Here it is!”

“That’s what all this was about? Whiskey?”

“The only bottle of Mount Milgrom in Andromeda,” he said solemnly. “Triple-distilled and 645 years old. This isn’t whiskey - it’s a treasure.”

_ Hey, if it pisses Sloane off, I’m in. _

“I hope you’re planning on sharing.”

“We’ll see,” he teased. “Let’s get out of here.” He grabbed her hand and they ran for a side door, trying not to laugh.

He led her down an alley, into a nondescript building. “Are you taking me back to your place?” she chuckled as she followed him into a stairwell.

_ Because I'm okay with that. _

“Didn’t I promise to be a gentleman?”

“Didn’t I ask you not to?”

He laughed. “You’re trouble, Ryder.”

“Me? You’re the one leading me into a life of crime!”

He shook his head. “I won’t lead you anywhere you don’t want to go.” He pushed open a door. “We have arrived.”

She stepped out onto a small landing with a breathtaking view of Kadara Port. The sun was setting just beyond a nearby peak, bathing everything in warm light, and wherever the sunlight didn’t reach there were the bright blue lights of the city. It reminded her of home.

_ This is the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in Andromeda. _

Reyes sat near the corner and gestured for her to sit on the other edge. “Gorgeous, isn’t it? I sometimes forget.” He passed her the bottle.

She took a sip and struggled not to cough.

_ Definitely still not a whiskey drinker. _

He spoke without facing her. “Is Andromeda everything you hoped it would be?”

_ It is right now. _

“Every day is an adventure. Even my nights off are interesting.” She grinned, more easily because he couldn’t see it. “What about you, Reyes? Why did you come here?”

He took long enough to answer that she looked over to make sure he was still with her. “To be someone,” he finally said.

She bit her lip, caught between her feelings and her usual self-preservation. Again, Gil spoke to her, and she swung her legs around to sit shoulder-to-shoulder with him. “You’re someone to me.”

He pinned her down with those intense green eyes and leaned even closer. “I’m starting to think that kiss was more than just a distraction,” he murmured, cupping her cheek and moving in for a kiss.

It was slower, deeper than their first, and Vicci had to break away before she forgot that she was just a short distance from falling off a building. “Is this where you take me back to your place? Because I’m ready.”

_ Really? Slow down! _

Stroking her cheek, he laughed. “Never on the first date, and never before I’ve called a woman by her given name,  _ Victoria.” _

She wrinkled her nose. “Oh no. Never Victoria. What, am I in trouble or something?”

“Most of the time, I imagine,” he chuckled, slipping an arm around her waist. “But seriously. I can’t keep calling you Ryder. Not… like this.”

She thought about it. “You can call me Vicci. For a little while, at least, you can be the only person in the galaxy who does.”


	4. Bang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything hits a breaking point.

The following evening, she got an email addressed to VR and signed from RV, which made her smile.

“I promise to save you some whiskey if you promise to come back soon.”

She quickly responded “I’m sure I could become a whiskey drinker if it means seeing you again” and sent it before she had time to reconsider. It was too late to play it cool. She may as well lean into it.

They still had work to do on Kadara, but the same was true of every other world in the galaxy. She felt like they were on a different planet every day.

Scott’s condition remained unchanged, which she supposed was a good thing.

_ I need you, baby brother. _

What would Scott think of this thing with Reyes Vidal?

_ He'd think I'm happy, and that's all that matters. _

Scott always had her back. That's why she missed him so…

… _ so much more than dad. _

Her stomach twisted and turned just thinking it, but it was the truth. Dad had rarely been around. Once Mom died, Scott had been it for her. At least, that's how it felt.

Vicci checked her email. There was a message from Sloane Kelly, of all people.

“Come to Kadara ASAP.”

Just seeing the word Kadara was enough to give her the tiniest tingle.

“Hey Kallo, head us to Kadara, at the request of Sloane Kelly.”

“The leader of the Outcasts is asking for you? Is that a good thing?”

“We're about to find out,” she muttered.

She found Drack in the kitchen on dish duty. “Hey old man, wanna come with me to visit Sloane Kelly?”

He chuckled, a deep and rumbling sound. “What kind of visit?”

“Hopefully not the kind you're hoping for,” she grinned.

“Have it your way, kid. I'm with ya.”

She found Liam on that hideous couch in his bunk, cleaning his guns. He didn't put a shirt on when she walked in. “Wanna come to Kadara with me and Drack? Her royal highness is requesting an audience.”

“Sloane Kelly? Think it's a trap?”

_ It's crossed my mind. _

“Not likely, but I did invite Drack, so…”

“Gonna see your boyfriend?”

She blushed furiously. “He's not -”

“It's cool,” he said, getting to his feet. “Don't ruin it with labels. Point is, whatever it is, I'm glad you have it. We're making a home here, right? That includes you.”

Liam Kosta, occasional pain in the ass and unfailingly good dude. She was glad to have him. His heart was exactly what the Initiative needed. “Thanks, Liam. I'll see you out there. Be dressed.”

 

She blinked just so she wasn't staring. “You want  _ me  _ to help you.”

“Don't be an ass, Ryder.”

“No, I'm not trying to be. I'm just surprised. And confused.”

“Ryder, the son of a bitch used  _ my own people. _ I don't know who I can trust. But you're an outsider.”

She didn't point out that she also had something of a stake in how this played out. She wanted in, if only to see the Charlatan for herself. “Relax. I'll do it. Send me the nav point and I'll meet you out there.”

When they got back out to the market, she turned to her guys. “We have a stop to make first.”

Drack snickered.

“Don't start,” she warned. “Reyes has given us good intel on the inner workings of Kadara Port, that's all.” She grinned. “I'm saving the drinks for after, and neither of you are invited.”

“Can we put ours on your tab?”

“Sure, as long as you go to Kralla's.”

 

But for the first time, Vicci couldn’t find Reyes. He wasn’t in his room at Tartarus.

At the risk of looking clingy, she tried Kralla’s Song, where Umi greeted her with “I haven’t seen your boyfriend, if that’s why you’re here.”

She forgot to be embarrassed.

_ It’s weird. This is weird. _

Why, because he had something to do besides wait around for her to appear?

_ It’s just… he’s always around. He’s literally always been around. _

“Maybe he’s eating lunch?” Liam offered.

“Or sleeping off a hangover,” Drack said with a snort.

“It’s… whatever. It’s fine. Let’s go.”

_ I don’t like it. _

 

Her head spun.

_ It can’t be. _

Reyes was the Charlatan.

_ He can’t - I can’t - _

“Pathfinder,” SAM said urgently. “There is a sniper trained on Sloane Kelly.”

Vicci looked at Sloane. A sad little king on a sad little throne. Let her die.

And she did.

“Bang,” Reyes said.

She was charging at him before the word even left his mouth. “You lied to me!” she shouted, shoving him.

He stumbled back, then stood his ground. “Not about everything! You know who I  _ really _ am.”

“Has this been your plan all along?” Angry tears threatened. “Were you just using me to take her out?”

“Vicci, listen to me. I’ve been planning this since long before I met you. And to be frank, when you walked in I thought the plan was ruined.” He reached for her.

She shoved him away, just a little. “I didn’t do it for you,” she growled.

“I wouldn’t have wanted you to. I didn’t want you mixed up in this at all.”

The damned tears spilled. “Aside from that, it looks like you got everything you wanted.” She turned to leave.

“Vicci, please.” He laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. “I want the same thing you want - peace, stability. Sloane was a despot. She would have started a war.”

She studied his face. Worry creased his brow, his eyes wide and clear.

_ He doesn’t look like a man with a secret. Not anymore. _

“Why didn’t you trust me?”

He took a deep breath. “I liked the way you looked at me. I was afraid that would change.”

She thought about that night.

_ “Why did you come here?” _

_ “To be someone.” _

She searched his face. Searched her heart. Did she believe him?

She thought about Gil.  _ Fucking  _ go  _ for it! _

“Nothing’s changed,” she confessed.

He smirked as he leaned in for a kiss. “You have bad taste in men.”

She laid her hand on his cheek and kissed him. “The worst.” She winked.

 

Liam and Drack were waiting awkwardly in the Nomad.

“Did you shoot him?”

“Liam!”

“Did you headbutt him?”

She laughed as she turned the vehicle around. “A lady never headbutts and tells.”

“You’re alright, kid,” he chuckled. “So, where are we headed?”

“Back to the Port. You both can run up a tab - at Kralla’s. I’ll see you back on the ship.”

 

Instinct took her back to his room at Tartarus, and it should have been empty, but it wasn’t.

“I thought you’d be in the throne room,” she said as she sat down. “Isn’t this a little shabby for the new ruler of Kadara?”

“Please, Vicci. You know I prefer to rule from the shadows.”

“You don’t have to do this anymore. The hiding, the secrets.”

“That Angaran you met at the party, Keema Dohrgun. She’s agreed to be my front.” He took a drink of what Vicci was pretty sure was “their” whiskey, which he confirmed by passing it to her. “And with Sloane gone and the Outcasts scattering, there’s room here for the Initiative.”

She took a careful sip. “That might be a hard sell. You people have a reputation, you know.”

“Hey, not all exiles are thieves and murderers. I am, but some of the others are perfectly nice.”

“Are you?”

“What, a thief? You know that.”

“A murderer.”

A crease appeared between his brows, and he rested his hands on his thighs. “That business with Sloane… it was not a good death.”

Her heart ached for him. “She didn’t deserve a good death. Hell, she deserves to rot in that cave. Let the animals pick at her.”

He gave her a small smile. “You have a mean streak.”

“I’ve got a few surprises left,” she grinned.

“Speaking of which, if we’re all done with boring business talk for the time being, there’s something I want to do.” He stood and tapped his omni-tool a few times, and soft music filled the room.

“You’re up to something. Again.”

“I neglected you on our first date.” He held out his hand to her. “How about we fix that?”

“You have a romantic streak,” she marveled, taking his hand.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” He pulled her close. “Since leaving the Nexus, my survival has depended on secrets. I don’t want any more secrets between us, Vicci.”

“You’re the encrypted one.” She cringed at how cheesy it sounded.

He laughed.

“Was it that bad?”

“What? No, no. I was about to say something far cheesier.”

This, she had to hear. “Say it.”

He leaned in close. “Consider me hacked.”

It was her turn to laugh. “That’s it. No more talking.” They put everything they had into the kiss, and soon she was dizzy, clinging to him as if she might drown without him.

“Should we get out of here?” he murmured breathlessly.

“We should lock the door.”

Laughing, he shook his head. “Vicci -”

Stepping away from him, she held him with her not-to-be-fucked-with look and spoke slowly. “Maybe you don’t know this yet -” she unwound her scarf and let it fall “ - but when I want something -” she slipped her jacket off, letting it land on the floor “- I can be very persuasive.” She stripped off her tank top.

“So I see.” He moved in and pinned her against the wall. “I like a woman who knows what she wants.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you see, I've taken some liberties with the cave scene. I just think this way plays better, and gives me a chance to show a side of Vicci I haven't yet. Hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> ETA: SO in retrospect the chapter title, in light of the way it ends, was kind of dumb. I'm just going to own my failtacular awkwardness and leave it.


	5. Home

Vicci collapsed against him, gasping and thoroughly satisfied.

When his breath had steadied, Reyes lifted her chin to kiss her again. “ _ Now _ can we get out of here?” he chuckled.

She found it immensely difficult to stop kissing him.“Mm, I’d love to.” He didn’t seem to mind.

_ You’re acting like a teenager. Get it together, Ryder. _

It didn’t surprise her that he lived in the same building they went to on their first date. 

“It’s nothing much, but I guess it’s home.”

The apartment felt… sterile. It had all the necessities, but it didn’t feel lived in. It made her sad.

_ It’s not as if my quarters are so homey. _

But then, she hadn’t been there long. 

“Are you a tea drinker?” he asked.

She realized she had let him help her out of her jacket, a surprisingly chivalrous gesture, all things considered. “Sure - are you?”

He chuckled. “You sound surprised. Man cannot live by alcohol alone.”

“I’m just learning you,” she said absently as she glanced around.

Sweeping her into his arms, he kissed her again. “Learn all you like,” he murmured against her lips. 

“You couldn’t stop me if you wanted to,” she teased, reluctantly releasing him. 

_ What the fuck, am I the clingy type now? _

She had it so bad.

He was making the tea, and she felt useless just standing around. “Can I do anything?”

“Just get comfortable. My apartment is pants-optional,” he added with a wink.

A half-bar separated the kitchen and what would probably have been a dining room, had Reyes wanted it to be. “I like this,” Vicci said as she climbed onto a barstool. “We had something like this when I was a kid. Scott and I used to try to kick each other off our stools while we ate cereal before school.”

“What’s it like, having a twin?”

“Depends on the day,” she laughed. “Once we grew up enough to get over ourselves, it got good. We balance each other.”

He slid her tea across the bar, along with sweetner. “So he’s not brash and impulsive?”

“Brash? I think I’m offended!”

“I’m only teasing.” He joined her. “I stand by impulsive, though.”

She studied the swirling of her tea. “I don’t know, I resisted you for longer than I expected.”

“I could say the same.” 

“You sure kept me on my toes. I was all but picking petals off of daisies after every time we spoke.” She shook her head.  _ You know, in case he wasn’t really sold on the whole “impulsive” thing.  _ “What changed your mind?”

He rested a hand on her leg. “You did. It seemed you wanted me as bad as I wanted you.”

Her cheeks grew hot. “I guess I can cross ‘playing it cool’ off my list of skills.”

“Not at all.” He gently parted her legs to move within kissing distance, although he didn’t kiss her. “It seemed we shared a common plight.” He wrapped his arms around her, his lips almost brushing hers as he spoke. “Full of desire...restrained by doubt…”

She curled her fingers into his hair. “Are you saying you want to tie me up?” She wrapped her legs around his waist as he lifted her off the stool. 

“I haven’t thought that far ahead.” 

_ I think I’m drunk. He makes me feel drunk. _

It impressed her, how easily he moved with her in his arms. He gently laid her on his bed and slid his hands down her body before undoing her pants. 

“Ryder,” SAM interrupted, “Cora is sending you an urgent message from the Tempest.”

_ Oh, for fuck’s sake.  _ She groaned. 

Reyes ran a hand through his hair, a wry smile on his lips.

Pressing the heels of her hands to her forehead, she sighed. “I really should -”

“See to your people. I understand.” He offered a hand, helped her to her feet, and pulled her close. “We’ll have plenty of time, Vicci.” He kissed her so deeply it curled her toes.

_ If he does that again, I’ll never leave. _

She rested her forehead against his, shutting her eyes tight. “I just don’t know when I’ll be back.”

“But you will. So relax.” Then he laughed. “Hey, at least  _ I  _ can take a cold shower and get some sleep. Who knows what you’re in for.”

_ That’s the job.  _ Pulling on her jacket, she shook her head. “Hey, what about you? You just became the de facto leader of Kadara Port.”

“Being the shadowy figure  _ behind _ the face of the operation has its perks. Like sleeping as late as I want, and spending my days at a bar.” He put a hand on her arm. “Let me know how it goes with the Nexus. We want the Initiative outpost as much as you do.” He kissed her again. “You’re making better worlds, Vicci.”

“And you’re helping. Now stop kissing me, before I lose my will and end up back in your bed.”

He rewarded her with another of those deep, sexy chuckles. “We can’t have that. Go save the galaxy, Pathfinder. I’ll be waiting for you.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. Balance

She found Cora pacing in the cargo bay.

“Late night?” Her expression wasn’t hard to read. “Your hair’s a mess.”

Vicci ran a hand through it before she could stop herself. “You needed something?” she snapped.  _ Sure. Take it out on her because you can’t be counted on.  _

It was her nature. 

Cora, in her own nature, had to draw out her disapproving glare a bit longer before she could speak. “I did it. We got it. The asari ark’s last heading. The nav points are set.”

“Are you sure about this?”  _ Don’t make this a battle. _ “That flight recorder was pretty thoroughly wrecked.”  _ What’s your problem? _

“So? Worst case scenario, we get a little closer.” Cora crossed her arms. “I’d take a good chance over no chance.” She took a deep breath, and her posture softened just a little. “We need the asari - and Sarissa - more than ever. We need to find them before the kett do.” And she walked away.

Vicci called up to the helm on her way to her quarters, confirming that they were ready to move. She needed coffee and a shower.

Her confrontation with Cora had pretty thoroughly killed her buzz, but it didn’t get rid of the memories. 

_ You didn’t waste any time with this one, did you? _

That wasn’t fair. It was somewhere between “moving fast” and a slow burn. And she didn’t regret it. 

Did she?

As she washed her hair, she closed her eyes and let the memory of his touch linger on her skin. She felt like she didn’t, like she  _ couldn’t _ get enough of him. Her mind wandered to where they left off, to where they might have gone... 

_ Okay, that’s enough. _

She turned down the hot water til it was colder than comfortable. She needed to keep her mind on her work.

_ “Late night? Your hair’s a mess.” _

Cora obviously didn’t think she was keeping her mind on her work.

Was she right?

_ I’m here, aren’t I? Didn’t I drop everything the second anyone needed me? _

Yes. Yes she had.

So why did she still feel guilty?

 

They went to the Valay system, where Cora’s info proved good. The ark wasn't hard to find, but it didn't look good. It looked beat to shit, honestly. Vicci’s stomach turned. She realized she wanted this to go well almost as bad as Cora did. 

Another Pathfinder. A trained, experienced Pathfinder to take some of the pressure - and the spotlight - off of her.

_ Please be there. Please be alive.  _

What if they were too late?

 

They weren’t too late. They almost got themselves spaced, but at least there were asari alive to try and space them. 

They even found a Pathfinder… sort of. Acting Pathfinder was better than no Pathfinder. And like Cora said, Sarissa literally wrote the book on military tactics. She was way more qualified to run things. Too bad she also let her Pathfinder die. 

Sarissa had an arrogance about her that made Vicci wonder if she had done it just to become Pathfinder. She couldn’t rule it out, but she’d never say it to Cora.

 

When it was all over Sarissa stood before them, unwavering in her confidence and conviction. Vicci envied that.

“I chose protecting all these people over a single life. A choice they train us to make, Lieutenant!”

Her ears were ringing. She almost felt sick.

_ “I chose protecting all these people.” _

That’s what Pathfinders did.

She realized that everyone was looking at her. She dug back through whatever had fallen on her ears while she wasn’t listening. 

_ They want me to choose. _

_ They always want me to choose.  _

That’s the job.

“It’s done,” she said finally. “Bringing up what happened won’t do any good.” 

Sarissa made a choice. Did her job.

They were still talking. She wasn’t listening until Cora said her name. 

“We’re good here.”

_ Yeah. _

 

The last thing Vicci wanted to do was talk, but…

_ It doesn’t matter what I want. _

She went to check on Cora, who sat with her head in her hands.

“Are you okay?”

“Can I just do today again? And not run away from my duty?”

The words were another stab wound in her heart, although she didn’t think Cora meant it that way.

“I put so much faith in Sarissa. But the asari are just as lost as we are.”

Vicci remembered what Sarissa had said.  _ Being a Pathfinder means giving people hope.  _ “I think we’re finding our way pretty well.” She thought she even sounded decently convincing. 

“Thanks for being there, on the Leusinia. Can I tell you something?”

“Of course.”

“The old man was right, choosing you as Pathfinder instead.”

_ Yeah. Right. _

 

Sitting on the edge of her bed, she thought about her brother and her throat tightened. “What would you say, Scott?” Her voice echoed in the empty room.

She could practically hear his voice.  _ “Sleep on it, Vicci. No matter what it is, sleep on it first.” _

“You should be here. Not me.” She fell back onto the bed, tears in her eyes. “Not me.”

 

Vicci lay in bed. She didn’t want to get up. She wanted to stay here, in bed, in this moment, in the moments before her responsibilities came crashing in on her again. She wanted to pretend none of this was real.

_ But it is. It’s all real. And I’m the Pathfinder. _

Sarissa had taken up seemingly permanent residence in her head. 

_ “I chose protecting all these people.”  _

Vicci wasn’t sure she would have made the same choice Sarissa had, but she agreed with her reasoning.

_ “Go save the galaxy, Pathfinder. I’ll be waiting for you.” _

She had known the moment she laid eyes on him how hard she would fall for him, and she had known all along that it was a mistake. 

_ This isn’t a game, Vicci. You can’t afford to try your luck on this, or barely skim by, or pull any of the bullshit you’ve pulled in the past. It’s time to grow the fuck up. _

Her father  _ had _ been wrong. He tried to have a family and be a hero and he had failed at one of those so entirely.

She knew what she had to do. 

Wrapping her blanket around her shoulders, she sat down at her computer. Her hands trembled. She had so much she wanted to say, but she couldn’t. 

She typed two lines.

“I’m sorry. 

I can’t do both.”

SEND.

 


	7. Sick

Reyes never replied to her message. That seemed fair.

 

They headed for the Nexus. The situation on Kadara was complicated; Vicci figured she ought to discuss it with Addison in person. And she wanted to get off the ship, away from the crew’s maddening looks of curiosity or concern. 

_ Maybe if I wasn’t storming around the ship like I’m out for blood… _

The fresh air would be good for all of them, she hoped.

 

“You really think we should set up an outpost on Kadara? The same Kadara where the exiles have staked their claim?”

_ You tell me to go forth and settle, now you want to be picky.  _

“The outpost would benefit the exiles as much as us. They’d welcome the stability. And we owe them that, after we let them down.”

Addison crossed her arms. “You weren’t there.” She sighed. “But you’re here now. How do we know an outpost would even be safe on Kadara?”

Vicci ‘s mouth felt dry. “There’s… leadership on Kadara, sort of. And he supports the outpost. He’s promised to help any way he can.”

“I take it you know the ‘he’ in question?”

She nodded.

“And we can trust him?”

She swallowed hard. “He’s got the people’s best interest at heart. They have nothing to gain by screwing this up.”

Addison considered this for a moment. “Alright, I’m convinced. But I don’t want to go in blind. I’d like to meet with this ‘sort of’ leader. Can you bring him onto the Tempest for a conference? We’ll work out the details then.”

_ This is a nightmare _ . 

Her stomach turned. “Yeah. Of course. Meanwhile, you can talk to Tann.”

“Well aren’t you quite the negotiator? Keep me posted.”

Vicci turned to go, but Addison spoke again. “We’ll save the motivational speech for when it’s official. But you’re doing good work, Pathfinder.”

“Thanks.” But at the moment, Vicci couldn’t care less about praise, from Addison or anyone else.

She was busy burning in her own personal hell.

 

And that’s how she ended up camping out in the corner booth at Vortex with a bottle and a glass. Which seemed like a valid escape route… until Gil slid in across from her. 

He appeared unfazed by her un-sober glare. “Pathfinder.”

“Uninvited guest.”

He clutched his chest dramatically. “Ouch! And me just checking up on a friend in the throes of… whatever you’re in the throes of.”

“That sounds suspiciously like fishing.”

“That sounds suspiciously like hostility.” He leaned across the table. “You haven’t been acting like yourself.”

She glared some more.

“I heard a little bit about what happened.”

“For fuck’s sake, doesn’t anyone on the Tempest have anything better to do than gossip?”

He leaned in again, lowering his voice. “Your boyfriend turned out to be the Charlatan, he assassinated Sloane Kelly, and you had a pretty public shouting match. It was kind of a big deal!”

Her cheeks burned, and not from the liquor. “That’s not… I mean, we didn’t -”

“No, that’s the part I’m confused about. Liam seemed to think things were okay with you and your man wh-”

“He’s not my man!” She sure as hell hadn’t  _ meant _ to shout, but here it was.

He looked at her steadily. “Did he hurt you, Ryder? Because in the absence of your actual brother, any one of us would be willing to kick his ass.”

She slumped in her seat, staring into her glass. “No. He didn’t.”

“Then what’s going on?”

Mumbling something about responsibilities, she refused to meet his eyes.

“I thought you decided to, you know, fucking go for it.”

She looked up, her eyes flashing. “Is that what this is about? You’re pissed because I didn’t take your advice?” She was sober enough to see the hurt on his face. She wished she wasn’t.

“I’m concerned, because I care about you and you’re obviously not okay.”

Jutting her chin in defiance, she poured herself another drink, missed, and spilled liquor on the table. She swore, louder than she would have liked.

“Ryder.”

“What? What do you want from me?”

“I want you to get your shit together! I want to know what’s going on with you! Hell, I just want you to be happy!”

She slammed her glass on the table. “This isn’t some damned fairy tale, Brodie! I’m not here to find Prince Charming and live happily ever after! I’m the  _ Pathfinder.  _ People’s  _ lives _ depend on me. I don’t have time to be off… off…” Tears flooded her eyes.

_ Shit. I drank too much. _

“Come on, Ryder. You’re too smart for this.”

“Don’t tell me what I am!” she snapped in her tear-clogged voice.

“You’re a mess, is what you are. I want you to do whatever is going to make you be not a mess. Because whatever you’re doing now obviously isn’t it.”

“Just leave me alone.” She dragged her sleeve across her eyes, clumsily extracted herself from the booth, and staggered out of the bar.

Whoever had associated the term “walk of shame” with sex had been wrong.

 

Vicci awoke the next morning with her head pounding. 

_ Great. I needed another reason to hate myself. _

She got up, threw some clothes on, and headed for med bay. Then she stopped and backtracked to the kitchen, where she was rewarded with hot coffee and no signs of life. Clutching her coffee like a life preserver, she returned to her quest for aspirin. 

Her luck ran out; Lexi was there. 

_ Shit. _

“Good morning, Ryder.”

She sighed heavily. “Lexi. I just need a couple aspirin.”

“Have a seat,” the doctor said.

Vicci braced herself for the inevitable lecture. 

_ At least she handed over the aspirin first.  _

“What’s happened to you? All of a sudden, your mood has been terrible.”

She glowered at Lexi. “My bad mood is a medical condition?”

It was Lexi’s turn to sigh. “Of course not. But your wellbeing is my concern - and that goes for emotional wellbeing, too.”

“I have personal shit going on, okay?”

_ I’m just doing a lousy job of keeping it personal. _

“I respect your privacy, Ryder. But it’s not exclusively ‘personal shit’ if it affects how you interact with the crew. Part of my role on the ship is ensuring you’re fit for duty.”

Vicci stood abruptly. “Really? You think I’m not fit for duty?” The last thing she wanted was someone - anyone - practically reading her mind.

“I think that your attitude has changed, and that could influence your decisions in the field.”

_ I can’t win. _

“I’m fine. It’s fine, everything’s fine, I’m fine. So back off.” She walked out.

_ Yeah. I bet that was real reassuring. _


	8. Chapter 8

Vicci took a long, hot shower and considered her options.

_ What’s the best way to do the last thing in the galaxy I want to do? _

She tried to take into account what Reyes would want. She’d been shitty enough, and now she was essentially asking him for a favor. She didn’t want to piss him off further.

_ And what if he says no? What if he refuses the meeting? _

How could she convince Addison that building an outpost on Kadara was perfectly safe and advisable if she couldn’t follow through on facilitating a meeting?

_ Ugh, I don’t deserve this. _

She did, though. She made this mess, tried to start something she couldn’t finish.

_ Reyes doesn’t deserve this. _

Her stomach hurt. She didn’t want to face him. 

_ This isn't about what I want, either. _

She dried off and got dressed, not bothering to dry her hair. She started to leave her room without her jacket on, then decided it was disrespectful to be more casual with him than she would be with, say, Evfra. She still didn’t dry her hair, though.

_ I only have so many fucks to give. _

She called him, and to her surprise he picked right up.

“I didn’t expect to hear from you.” His voice was cautious.

“I… yeah.” She looked over his shoulder, down at the floor, anywhere. “Addison, the head of Colonial Affairs, is asking to meet with you about building an outpost.”

He chuckled. It hurt her heart. “She’s inviting me back to the Nexus?”

_ I wish. _

“She’s… she wants you to come here. To the Tempest. For a conference.”

A long pause, then “I see.”

“I can be there today. If you want. Or -”

“Today is fine. Just call me when you dock.”

Vicci nodded, and then he was gone.

 

She paced around the ship, wanting to be productive but unable to focus. She tried to smile at her crew as she encountered them, but it felt like a grimace. She’d never been good at faking. 

She tried to eat, but she felt nauseous. She drank too much coffee, so her hands shook.

_ Maybe it’s not the coffee.  _

Probably it wasn’t the coffee. 

She wanted a drink. She wasn't actually considering it, but she sure wanted a drink.

When Kallo paged her, she almost jumped out of her skin.

“Ryder, we’re about to dock.”

“Thanks, Kallo.”

_ Fuck. _

 

Reyes looked good. As always. 

He didn’t smile. “Pathfinder.” 

“Thanks for coming,” she said and led him through the ship.

“Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

Her throat tightened. “It’s not for me. It’s for the Initiative.”

He stopped her with a hand on her arm and looked her dead in the eyes, his face unreadable. “I didn’t think there was a difference.”

She felt her hackles rising and she reminded herself that  _ she _ was the asshole here. 

They got Addison on the line.

“Addison, this is Reyes Vidal. He’s sort of running the show on Kadara.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.” His voice lacked the teasing quality she was used to. 

Addison wasn’t interested in whatever was happening between them. “Can you help me or not? I’m not sending my people into a war zone.”

“With Sloane Kelly out of the way, you don’t need to worry about that.”

Addison folded her arms. “Do I want to know what happened to her?”

“I don’t know,” Vicci spoke up. “Do you?”

She glared. “Probably not. Alright, fine. Let’s build an outpost. Are we just moving right into Kadara Port?”

Vicci’s mind drifted as Addison and Reyes ironed out the logistical details of the outpost. She didn’t want to look at him, but she could have sworn she could feel his eyes on her. A quick peek confirmed her suspicions. 

“Ryder?” 

She realized Addison had been talking to her. Her cheeks burned. “Sorry, what?”

“I asked if we’re good to start today.”

“Yeah, I’ll head over there right away.” She indicated the location designated on the map.

“Is there something I should know? You seem… off.” 

_ Did  _ **_everyone_ ** _ have to be so damned perceptive? _

“I’m fine. Tired.”

Addison looked unconvinced. “I’ll talk to you onsite, then. And Ryder - try to muster a little more enthusiasm for the people, will you? Take a nap or something.”

She disconnected, leaving them to an uncomfortable silence.

“You know the way?” He gestured to the map.

“My nav system will.”

He came close. Too close. His brows were knotted, and he looked… well, he looked as tired as she felt. “I underestimated how much it would hurt, seeing you.”

Her eyes prickled.

_ Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare make me cry.  _

“Don’t make this any harder.”

His green eyes flashed. “You don’t get to ask that of me. You want to end things? So be it. But I’m not going to pretend I'm fine, so it’s easier on you.”

Her hands balled into fists. She took a deep breath. Another. Her hands relaxed. “I'm sorry, Reyes. I need you to know that.”

He narrowed his eyes. “This time, you care about what you need?”

That did it. “Are you trying to say that I  _ need _ you? Like this is some damned movie?” The look on his face pleased her. It was the look of a man who knew he'd screwed up.

“That's not what I meant. I just -”

Vicci felt her temper slip out of her grasp. “Good. Because as far as I remember, we hooked up  _ once. _ ”

_ Oh no. Oh shit. _

His eyes were blazing now. “No, you don't get to pretend that's all this was. Not after taking the time to dump me - via email. You wouldn't bother to break off something casual. You obviously have no problem walking away.”

“You talk a lot of shit for someone who barely knows me.” 

He took another step towards her, lowering his voice. “I know you better than you want to admit. And I know you well enough to know that this isn’t what you want.”

Tears filled her eyes, and she lost control of the volume of her voice. “Why is everyone so obsessed with what I  _ want _ ? You think the Nexus gave me a spaceship and a crew so I could go find a boyfriend? I have a  _ job _ to do! I’ve never been responsible for anything in my life, and now I’m responsible for the whole damned galaxy, and all I want is to not fuck it up like I fuck everything else up!” The tears flowed freely, and she had no way to escape.

_ Fuck! _

Reyes reached for her, touched her arm. “Vicci,” he said, his voice soft.

She jerked out of his reach and spun away. “Would you just fucking go already?” Her voice cracked, her breath hitching.

_ I hate this. I hate all of it. Why did I ever leave the fucking Milky Way? _


	9. Chapter 9

Vicci sat on the couch in her quarters. Of course, now that she was alone, the tears had stopped. Now she just felt…

_ I don’t even know how I feel. I don’t know anything anymore. _

She had an outpost to start in Kadara. She knew that much.

“Fuck.”

_ I’m a fucking mess. _

Everything was a fucking mess now.

She had to decide who she could handle a ride with. It wasn’t easy - she was tempted to go alone.

“Vetra. Drack. Get ready to go. We’ve got a flag to plant.”

 

The drive was predictably awkward, the whole event just depressing. Self-loathing roiled inside Vicci’s guts as she mumbled her way through some pseudo-inspirational bullshit for the good people of the Initiative. This outpost was a big deal. She should be celebrating. But she had ruined it. Especially for herself.

“Feel free to enjoy everything Kadara Port has to offer,” she said, mustering false enthusiasm for the sake of the squad. “It’s a good day to be us.”

Vetra sounded hesitant. “Are you joining us?” 

She laughed humorlessly. “Nah, I think I could use a quiet night in.”

“Yeah, because you haven’t had one of those recently,” Drack said dryly.

She just let it go.

 

Back on the ship, she sat down at her desk and opened another message to Scott.

“Little brother,” 

She stared at the keyboard.

Waited.

She stood up and walked to the bridge.

“Hey Kallo, let’s head to the Nexus first thing in the morning, okay?”

“Is everything alright, Ryder?”

“Yeah, we’re fine. I just need to see my brother.”

 

Scott looked exactly as he had when last she saw him. She wondered who was shaving his face and buzzing his hair. She was glad of it; he would wake up and feel like he was still the same person. That was important.

_ And then I have to tell him that Dad’s dead. _

It would be hard on him. He respected their father, didn’t resent him the way she did. Probably because he had inherited Dad’s discipline, his leadership skills. 

“Scott,” she said, and the tears came. She let them come. “Remember when I got kicked off the hockey team? How the fuck did I end up being Pathfinder? I’m fucking everything up so bad, I don’t even know what to do anymore. First I thought Dad was wrong for working so much and I’m allowed to have a life of my own, so I tried to have a life of my own. Then I thought that Dad was wrong for trying to do the job and have a family, so I dumped Reyes - in an email, like an asshole. But then I was miserable and shitty to everyone and probably shitty at the job anyhow! So now half the people in my life are mad at me and I’m miserable and I don’t know what to do!”

Vicci covered her face with her hands and leaned over, her elbows resting on her knees. Her shoulders shook with the force of her quiet sobs. She cried until she had nothing left, til her throat hurt and her nose was running. 

Just then, she felt a hand on her shoulder. Peeking up from her hands, she saw Harry standing in front of her, offering a handful of tissues.

She sighed. Harry. She liked Harry. He made her feel comfortable. He had this casually dismissive “Oh please, I’m a doctor” attitude that made him impervious to embarrassment. She cleaned her face. “Thank you, Harry.”

“Come sit with me. I have some  _ strictly medicinal  _ liquor in my desk. You look like you could use a bit.”

The liquor turned out to be some very mild, slightly sweet thing that Vicci resisted the urge to down in one gulp. 

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, kid, but your voice carries. Why’d you get kicked off the hockey team?” 

Her cheeks burned, and she couldn’t meet his eyes. “I got in a shouting match with one of my teammates. We lost pretty hard, and we disagreed about what went wrong.” She took a deep breath. “There may have been some shoving involved.”

“You know, being an emotional person isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It was one of the things your father loved most about you.”

“What?”

“He admired your passion. He said you always did what felt right to you without overthinking it.” He filled her glass. “What feels right to you in all this?”

She snorted. “Well it sure as hell isn’t being Pathfinder.”

“Says who?” he asked, looking her straight in the eyes.

“What?”

He leaned across his desk. “Who, besides you, thinks you’re a shitty Pathfinder?”

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Lexi  _ had _ questioned her fitness for duty… but only after she’d fucked things up with Reyes and started acting like a sulky child. In fact, the only person who had ever seemed critical was Cora, and she had flipped that script later that same night.

“I… nobody, I guess.”

“Then get out of your head and trust your gut.”

 

When she was cleaned up and presentable, she opened the shipwide com channel to everyone on the crew. “Drinks at Vortex tonight. I’d like to see everyone there… so I’m buying.”

The crew rewarded her with a staggered chorus of cheers and assent. 

In the meantime, she always had business on the Nexus. Fortunately, none of it involved Tann and was therefore reasonably tolerable. Vicci paid attention to the way people talked to her, the way they treated her.

They respected her. Not just the role, but her. 

_ So what feels right to me? _

Clearing the air with her crew was a good start. It felt good, having everyone together without some heavy shit behind it. 

She stood. “Look, I know I’ve been a righteous pain in the ass lately.”

“Here here,” Drack growled.

She glared at him, but she was grinning. “I just want to say that I’m sorry, and thank you all for putting up with my shit. So,” she raised her glass, “here’s to you.” There was clinking of glasses and good-natured teasing. 

Gil looked at her pointedly. “Does this mean you got laid again?”

She flushed. “I did not, in fact, get laid again, thank you for asking. And as far as I know, none of you have gotten laid recently, so I assume you’re all just jealous.”

Aside from Cora, their laughter seemed genuine. Once everyone was absorbed in their own conversations - or dancing, in the case of Liam, Gil, and Suvi - Vicci pulled her aside. “Cora, I know things haven’t always been great between us, but -”

Cora shook her head. “No, they haven’t, and that’s on me. It was hard for me to accept - training to be Pathfinder and then getting passed over for the job. But I meant what I said the other night. Your dad made the right call.”

“I appreciate that, Cora. I really do.”

_ More than you might ever know. _

 

So they drank, and they relaxed, and the next day they took a trip to a terrifying death desert, and the whole time, Vicci thought long and hard about what Harry had said. 

The krogan colony impressed her, and that feeling was clearly not mutual. The squad kept uncharacteristically quiet as they made their way down to the depths. 

“Is this - you know - a trap?” Liam whispered.

Vetra kept her voice low. “Nah, probably not. If the Pathfinder disappeared inside New Tuchanka, the Nexus would have to send the militia in. The krogan wouldn’t want that.”

She wasn’t so sure that the entirety of the Nexus forces posed much of a threat to the krogan at this point, but she didn’t say so. 

They made brief contact with Brenk before the woman herself interrupted.

“Hey! Nexus! I’m the one you talk to around here.”

So she did.

And the day got really wild from there.

 

On their return to the Tempest, Liam spoke.

“You okay, Ryder? Awfully quiet for the day we’ve had.”

“Are you kidding? I’m freaking exhausted.” She was, too. That trip into the Remnant derelict wore her out. But she was deep in thought.

_ She said “Hey! Nexus!” I speak for the whole Initiative. That’s what I did with the angara, and I crushed it.  _

_ I got this. I brokered peace with a native species. I think I can fix shit with the krogan too, if it can be fixed. _

She wondered briefly if a Pathfinder could be fired. If they thought she was fucking it up, could they take it away?

Would she even let them?

_ Hell no.  _

She chuckled. Even at her worst moments when she 100% didn’t want to be Pathfinder, she’d never willingly give it up. Her ego wouldn’t allow it.

But...she was  _ good  _ at it. And not because she did what she thought her Dad would do, or what the Nexus wanted her to do.

Because she did what felt right. 

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
